If you have more than one kid, you probably do everything in your power to avoid leaving the house with them, but since most families can’t afford to hire a baby-sitter for every trip to buy a jug of milk, visit the pediatrician or stop by the drugstore, we moms and dads are privileged to listen to the same tired accompaniment to our frantic attempts to get our shopping done and prevent mayhem to the store and our offspring. In my experience, most people only make these stupid, repetitive remarks because they’re charmed to see little kids driving you nuts and they just can’t think of an entertaining or appropriate way to engage you in conversation and get a better look at your adorable little critters. For the sake of our children and the other moms and dads out there who are sick of the old cliches, let’s band together and start shocking the socks off those peddlers of inanity. The next time you go out with your brood, use one of the following comebacks or make up your own. When you’re about to put on a plastic smile and bob your head like a moron, stop, take a breath and just say:

Oh, you have your hands full, don’t you?

Yeah, I’m always dropping the baby. Does her head look kind of caved in on that side?

I bet you’re done!

Actually, I’m here to buy a pregnancy test.

Why aren’t they in school?

They all have lice. Do you know where the RID is kept? Johnny, quit rubbing your head on the nice lady’s cart!

Now you have your boy/girl, so you can stop!

We were really hoping for one with an extra finger. We’re going to keep trying.

I could never do that!

You’re probably right.

This is one that parents with 7 or more kids get all the timeSame father/mother?

Oh, no, they all have different dads/moms. I’m single now, but I really want more. * sigh *

Mormon or Catholic?

Which kid?

Treasure every moment – it goes so fast!

Only if you’re sloshed by noon.

How many are you going to have?

That depends on whether Obamacare covers Viagra.

You do know what causes this, right?

Yeah. We should probably get Cable.

They must be so expensive!

Oh, no.  We have a textile factory in our basement.  They earn their keep.